What in the F&CK am I going to do?

So the other day I was driving E home from piano practice, when some MUTHA F&CKING A$$WIPE cut me off.  In my typical fashion, I yelled several expletives after driving up to the side of him.  As I zoomed away, I thought yet another epic fail in my attempt to end my love affair with profane language.  Since I feel I need to end this comforting relationship prior to baby Z's birth, dejected, I drove home wondering what in the F&CK am I going to do?  Three months into my pregnancy, I realized curbing my cursing is more of a marathon in the Sahara than a sprint down the street.

Anyone who is a close family member, friend or even acquaintance of mine knows that I have had an intimate and close relationship with cursing.  For the past 30 years, since the age of 5, I have used words such as A$$H0L3, D1CKH3AD and SH1T on a regular basis. From Pre-K with Mrs. Liberman, to Advanced Placement English with Mrs. Mason and throughout my professional career, profane language helped to shape my existence.  When I first confessed my sins to my mother at 9, she rationalized my use of swearing as a release and response to stress.  I've experienced lots of stress throughout my life so, I've always had a valid reason (from my mother's perspective) to swear.  I curse more than most marines, cops, soldiers and ex-cons, I love me some hanky-panky with F&CK and all of it's derivatives. 

It's not something that I'm proud or ashamed of.  I've lived by George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" monologue and Bernie Mac's "The Word Mutha F&cka" routine. There are times that I don't even realize I used a curse word until it's said and the three second delay in my mind informed me that I just used one. I also get clues from folks who don't appreciate the beauty of F&CK and I see their faces scrunch up.

Now in no way am I bragging and by no means have I meant any disrespect in using these words when speaking, it's been part of my diction and has been a fundamental part of who I am.   I have been around people who have said I curse because I'm lazy, but in no way is my vocabulary limited and I enjoy word play being both staccato and eloquent and verbose with my verbal communications.   Sure there have been times in my life where I've tried to limit or even quit, telling my love F&CK that we have to part ways, that we can no longer be.  But I am weak and F&CK knows my previous attempts to severe the relationship was a farce.  I have been as unsuccessful as Chris Brown and Rih Rih in staying apart from my beloved. Can I love both F&CK and have the desire to not curse at the same time...

Well now that I'm expecting, I feel like I have to do something radical, this thing has to end. Since the day of implantation, Baby Z has a first row seat to learning the fundamentals to a well placed "Get the F&CK Outta here." By time we reach the ninth month, Z will graduate with honors with a Master in "Are you F&CKING Kidding Me."   My first fear is that toddler Z will have the same zest and affinity toward Mutha F&CKA and will use it as interchangeably as I do at both the right and wrong times.  My second and greatest fear is that Little Z will ask Mommy why she curses so GOT DAMN much.  So now that I know what I need to do, I'm trying to figure out how to do it.  I wish it was as simple as not cursing, but it's not some freaking simple.  Maybe it truly is...