Rough times

Well if you happened to catch our last post and played along with our wonderful game I want to let you know that if you were on the pregnant team, I'm sad to say that you lost (as did we). This IUI cycle seemed a bit more promising to me and although S started getting cramps and started bleeding earlier this week, I still held out hope. Even when we took two pregnancy tests, which both came out negative, in the back of my mind I was thinking that there would be a possibility that the tests would be incorrect.

I don't know if it's because my hormones are raging as well (in addition to getting very little sleep), but today I was feeling drained and a bit run down about everything. S went to meet with the new doctor today because we were not happy with our original doctor (check the Seriously.. post). After the appointment she called me up to tell me everything that we will be doing for the next couple of weeks to prepare for the IVF process, which we are now officially doing. The more she talked the more I felt like my head was spinning. All I heard was prescriptions and more visits and shots, which after a while started to sound like a cash register in my head.

Not only is all of this an emotional roller coaster but I also can't help but think about all of the money and time that we spent on two IUI treatments when we could have done IVF, which is what S originally wanted to do. This makes me even more angry at our previous doctor who we entrusted with our emotions, time AND S's body. I mean, come on.

I know this is hard on S too so I got her a card to show her that I'm here for her and how amazing she is for going through all of this. I don't want her to feel any pressure to "deliver" (no pun intended) because as it stands all eyes are on S's uterus. As I drove into school the other day it finally hit me, I got emotional. Forget that I'm in school from 7:30am until midnight Monday through Friday and working off of very little sleep. Or the fact that we are living off of one income for the time being or that my cycle is on it's way and I'm simply a blob of emotion but as I sat in traffic on the turnpike waiting to get off my exit I just started crying.

Bottom line, this is the hard part. I know that we'll look back on this experience after the baby is born and talk about how emotional and scared we were. but we have yet to reach that point. So for now all I can say is that I'm patiently waiting to cross that bridge.